Managing Sibling Disagreements About A Parent’s Care Plan

Managing your aging parents’ care can be challenging. It’s hard for older adults to lose their independence; they may also struggle with depression if they have to rely on caregivers to complete daily tasks.

When siblings have conflicts over managing the care of elderly parents, it’s even more challenging. If you’re in this situation, or you’re working with an older adult whose adult children disagree about care decisions, it helps to understand the root causes of sibling conflict and learn how to improve family communication and resolve disagreements.

Why Do Siblings Disagree About A Parent’s Care Plan?

In some cases, siblings disagree about elder care decisions because they’ve never gotten along. Longstanding disputes between siblings can make it difficult to communicate effectively and cooperate long enough to make joint decisions.

There are also many reasons siblings who do get along may end up fighting over their elderly parents’ care.

What Are The Most Common Causes Of Family Conflict Over Elder Care?

Some of the most common reasons for sibling conflicts when caring for aging parents include:

• Favoritism: Some parents have a favorite child. They may be inclined to agree with their favorite child’s suggestions for their care, even if these aren’t the best decisions. Conflict can arise if other siblings feel their parents and the favored sibling are not giving their concerns proper consideration.
• Financial concerns: Siblings may be in different income brackets or have different financial concerns. A younger sibling with young children may not have extra money to cover caregiver expenses or the cost of moving to a skilled nursing or assisted living facility. Siblings without children may feel resentment if their other siblings expect them to contribute more.
• Lack of assistance: Sometimes, one sibling serves as a family caregiver or is the primary person checking in on their aging parents and assisting with tasks, such as taking them to medical appointments, ordering groceries, and ensuring bills are paid. They may be frustrated if other siblings do not pitch in.
• Lack of awareness: Siblings who do not live nearby or rarely interact with their aging parents may not be aware of their declining health. They also may not take their sibling’s concerns seriously and doubt that their parents need caregiver assistance.
• Location preferences: Adult children may want their elderly parents to relocate near them, which can cause conflict if the siblings do not live near each other. Or sometimes, a sibling may want their parents to remain in the family home. Whether their reasons for disagreeing with their aging parents’ move to care are sentimental or selfish, this can make it harder to convince older adults that it’s time to relocate if they’re already reluctant to move.

How Can You Communicate Effectively With Your Siblings About Caregiving Decisions?

Strategies you can use to improve family communication and avoid sibling conflict when making caregiving decisions include:

• Schedule structured discussions: Unexpectedly calling a sibling about caregiver decisions can cause frustration and resentment for several reasons:
  • Your sibling may be in the middle of getting kids ready for school or bed, and the call may be disruptive.
  • Your sibling may not have immediate access to notes they’ve made or answers to questions they have that are relevant when making caregiving decisions.

Structured discussions ensure everyone has an opportunity to prepare and engage in a distraction-free conversation that prioritizes your parents’ care.

• Be understanding: Your siblings may have factors (children, work travel, etc.) that affect their ability to engage in hands-on caregiving. These factors may not matter to you, but if you show understanding of how they affect your siblings, it can prevent them from feeling defensive and help you find ways they can contribute.
• Hire an elder care mediator: Elder care mediators are experienced mediators who help adult children make decisions about their parents’ care. A neutral party can defuse sibling conflicts and guide discussions to improve communication and lead to effective decision-making. 

How Can You Keep Your Parent’s Wishes At The Center Of The Conversation?

Decisions about your elderly parents’ care affect them more than anyone else. Their wishes should be prioritized when making decisions. The following tips will help you prioritize your parents’ wishes:

• Involve them: Ensure your parents are present for discussions and involved in decision-making.
• Ask questions and avoid assumptions: Ask them what they want and consider the reasons for their wishes. For example, your parents may not want to move to a care facility. However, the reason may not be because they want to stay in the family home; it may be that they want to remain near lifelong friends. Finding a nearby care facility could address their concerns.
• Give them choices: Issuing ultimatums causes parents to feel they’ve lost their independence. They may also feel disrespected. Giving them choices is an effective way to involve them in caregiving decisions.
• Address their legal rights: Ensure your parents see a lawyer so they can create a living will and determine who has financial and healthcare power of attorney. 

When Should Your Family Involve A Healthcare Care Team?

Signs it’s time to involve a healthcare team in your parents’ care include significant health changes, such as:

• Behavioral changes
• Cognitive decline
• Frequent falls
• Weight loss

Where Can Families In Utah Find Trusted Support For Aging Loved Ones?

Monument Health operates multiple skilled nursing facilities throughout Utah, providing older adults with short-term rehabilitation services. We prioritize patient-centered care, ensuring residents actively participate in care decisions. Family members can attend team meetings, and our team educates family members as needed so they can meaningfully contribute to their parents’ care.